On Monday, I gave a speech in class on stopping child abuse. The first time I've spoken out against it since I was a teenager. The retaliation back then was so overwhelming that, as a teenager, a child, and under extreme stress that I'm not ready to talk about yet, it clammed me up. For years. I was shaking a little during the speech, I got breathless several times, and I couldn't take my eyes off the paper. But my voice was strong, unapologetic and I read it as it deserved to be ready.
Or at least, I thought. The instructor was sympathetic to my position, thank God, but he said while it was good, I needed to give it a "personal touch," and show some emotion. He said it sounded almost clinical. This really surprised me. According to the MBTI personality test, I'm an INFJ--F stand for Feeling, but I've often been mistaken as a T (for thinking) because I often seem so distant. Because of experience, which has locked me up, so that it's been really hard to express emotion. I've been making great strides in progress, mostly steady progress, for a while now (off and on, for the past 3 1/2 years; I've had detours, but I've always been naturally *drawn* to good health). Especially the last few months have been fruitful, and the breakthroughs are coming more and more, strong ones, the last week or two. It's easier to express emotion when I try these techniques I learned in school--it's amazing it's being covered in more than one class, and what I'm learning/doing in a third class seems right in line with what I need right now...I believe God's setting it up, that this time I'm going to breakthrough permanently and finally "make it"--the techniques that help the most are visualization and affirmations. Affirmations came much more easily, but really awkwardly at first. Visualization...It was so hard for so long to see myself happy, loved, healthy, etc. But then I realized I wasn't letting myself. I made myself do it, every day--and it got so much easier! And started to come readily, and every day, it's sinking in more and more. My idea of "where/how I want to be" can change a bit as I figure that out, but it's fun now. Energizing. And it really does affect my behavior/thinking in real life. It's becoming easier and easier to show emotion. To stop being afraid of "jinxing" things (which is just a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway).
I've still got a ways to go, but I'm going to start volunteering with kids, hopefully within a month, which I think will really help me break out of what feels like ice locking me all up inside. I think when I give the speech again on Monday, it'll be better, too. It's supposed to be a rallying cry to action, and the instructor said I should focus on conveying that clearly. Which is good, because that's always kind of been my personal focus area: action. In one of the stories I write, the Queen, after recovering from a horrible, draining barrage of--let's say, spells, for want of a better term--put on her from birth (because of her very strength, recognized and hated by the hoary old monsters around her), rallies and gathers her scattered spiritual kindred and leads them into battle against evil aliens who've oppressed them since time immemorial, so long that they've forgotten who they are. Well, the Queen and her army win, and establish a whole new dominion, a new empire of fair and benevolent rule. It's a complicated story, but basically it is about child abuse, and all the other outrages against human dignity, and all the methods employed by the evil to make people forget who they are and trudge along like obedient camels under a yoke so that they end up just sleepwalking through life without raising their heads to look around, much less protest, and end up accomplishing the designs of the monsters who basically turn them into zombies. The Queen woke up, and she woke a lot of other people up. I identify very strongly with this character. Actually, she's like another character I had when I was a little girl. The type keeps coming up. I think that's a good sign. This is the kind of woman I want to be--translated into 21st century America on Earth, of course.